Your Safety Is Not Guaranteed
Talking about safety is a big and multi-faceted conversation. This podcast episode is specifically starting the conversation on the topic of safety within the context of trauma-informed care. We are discussing safety as a non-binary, dynamic, and somatic felt sense. Therefore, it is important to note that safety is not always necessary in some spaces and that discomfort, unease, etc. are sometimes necessary for growth and healing. Safety is a privilege for many. Safety can also often be used as a tool of oppression, power, and even harm. Please keep in mind these nuances as we discuss these topics.
Resources Mentioned In This Episode:
Show Transcript:
Hi, everyone, and welcome to a Trauma Informed Future Podcast. I'm your host, Katie Kurtz, a subject matter expert, an integrative trainer specializing in trauma informed care that's inclusive and doable for all of us. I'm so happy you're back here today. And for today's podcast, I really wanted to dedicate an entire episode to talk about safety because it is an integral part of understanding trauma.
It's also essential in the practice of trauma informed care. And when we say the word safety, though, it comes with so many different meanings and understandings. And I thought today we could just spend a little time unpacking what safety means and how we utilize the word safety. Like, this is a safe space, I'm a safe person, and what that really means and how we can shift to really understanding that we can't guarantee safety in a space or for other people. So a few things I want to state before today's we get really into today's episode.
The first is a reminder that there's always nuance in everything we talk about here. The second is I'm not ever coming from a place of judgment or criticism or shame or guilt. If you utilize the term safety or safe space, this is not a judgment of you or calling you out.
These podcasts are bringing depth to conversations that need to be talked about and it is always in invitations that I speak and going a little deeper to understand the why and the how behind so many of these complex things that are a part of our humanity. The third thing I want to share is a content trigger warning as an integrative trainer. Meaning I love to teach and train people how to really learn and use what they learn about trauma and trauma informed care, but to integrate it into their everyday lives so we can have trauma informed spaces and people and programs, et cetera.
So I love to use really tangible, real life examples. And as a trainer, and I'm somebody who trains a lot of different people across a lot of different industries, I often use my own personal lived experiences to highlight specific examples that I'm discussing, and I do so from a very grounded place. I, of course, am in my own healing journey. I always will be because healing is nonlinear. But I utilize these examples and I don't go really into a lot of detail because it's not always necessary.
But I do share a lot of different examples I've had personally. Some include my own trauma and to highlight certain things to provide context, I share this because in today's episode, I do just that. So a content and trigger warning for today's episode is I do share, actually, to be quite honest, for the first time publicly in the most detail I've shared. Although it's not extremely detailed, it is more detailed than I typically share. One of the experiences I've had of physical assault, physical violence in the workplace. And this story that I'm sharing does contain a little bit more than I usually use. I tell this story a lot in the trainings I use, especially talking about understanding felt sense of safety in the spaces we hold. So I wanted to be sure you have enough warning that this story is being shared, and it is a little more detailed than I typically share.
But again, the intention behind sharing it is to highlight the context of the conversation we're having today about safety. I want you to always be aware of these things. And of course, a reminder, I'm human too. And I make mistakes and I sometimes forget to give warnings or I forget to say the wrong thing, or I move past something too quickly. So I appreciate you honoring my humanity in this as well. But this is a point that I like to make because it reminds us that we never know what people are holding, what people have experienced. And the story that I share today highlights how you may never know this about me and that you don't need to to interact with me, to work with me, to train with me, or know me as a person. But it's just a reality of my humanity and my lived experiences and how trauma can change and shift who we are and how we show up.
And also how healing can do that, too. Okay, so let's get into today's episode. I will be totally transparent with you that I definitely planned on having this topic as a dedicated episode of the podcast early on because I know how essential it is to talk about safety whenever we're talking about trauma and trauma informed care. What I didn't know is that over the last few weeks, I have had countless conversations in literally every space I've been in around the topic of safety. Some people knew that this is something I talk about a lot. Some people had no idea irregardless. P
eople are talking about safety, safety in the workplace, safety in their homes, in their communities and relationships, et cetera. And although it's becoming kind of a buzword, the biggest thing people want to know is what does safety even mean anymore? What does it mean to have a safe work environment? What does it mean to have safety in a relationship? What does it mean to have your child feel safe in a parenting child relationship? What does it mean to feel safe in your healthcare provider's presence? What does it mean to feel safe when you go to a yoga class or a fitness class? Everywhere in every space, people are talking about safety.
So what does it even mean? Well, good timing. I thought we could talk about it. So here we are. Let's break it down. What does safety even mean? And how do we know when we feel safe? If you haven't already, I hope you listen to the first few episodes of this podcast where we started by creating shared language and understanding which will help us get on the same page as we move through this podcast together. So let's talk about safety. Now, safety, of course, has a lot of nuance attached to it and can be interpreted in a variety of different ways. So again, always remember nuance here.
For the sake of our conversation today and this podcast and everything I do, we're going to talk about safety as an individual felt sense. So I want to take a moment here to pause. Let's practice the pause together. And wherever you're at, I want you to bring into your mind's eye a person or perhaps a place in which you love. You love this person, you love this space, whatever it may be. When you are in this person's presence, or perhaps in this space, you feel relaxed. You notice your shoulders drop, your jaw relaxes, you unclench. That little space between your eyebrows releases.
Perhaps there's trust there. And you know that you can trust this person or this place because they've shown up consistently and predictably. Perhaps it's a very nurturing and nourishing person or place that when you're in their presence, you can be exactly as you are. You can show up as yourself. There's no editing, there's no accommodating, there's no masking. It's just you being you. And all of you is welcome. You are honored here and you're accepted exactly as you are.
You may notice that you can say things you can't say with other people, or you can do things or relax in ways you can't in other spaces. Bring that person or space to the front of your mind, your heart, and take a moment here and notice any sensations in your body. What is your face doing? What's your jaw doing? Notice that space between your eyebrows. Start to scan your shoulders, your arms, your heart center. Notice how your gut is feeling moving down to your legs, your feet, your hands, whatever is accessible to you. And just start to tune in and notice any bodily sensations you have as you start to vision that person or place that generates those feelings for you. What we tend to notice when we're in the presence of somebody or in a place that trust exists, where we're able to be ourselves, we're able to feel different bodily sensations which are cues to know where there is a felt sense of safety. Present safety is not something that we can guarantee for others.
And I know that might feel like a hot take, but often what we see when we go into different places or amongst different people or leaders is this declaration that I am a safe person, that this is a safe space. But what we know and what we understand is that these people may have really good intentions, but the reality is we cannot guarantee safety for other people because what may feel safe for me may not feel safe for you. And vice versa. Because we're two different people with different lived experiences and intersections of identities and social contexts and advantages and bodies. What feels safe in my body may feel very different than what feels safe in your body. Therefore, we're not able to guarantee safety for everyone who is in our presence or in our spaces. Now again, let's honor the nuance here. We can absolutely take accountability and actions to ensure that some safety with controls are put in place in the spaces we exist in.
Things like making sure the structure in which we're gathering in is safe, that the water and food is clean and healthy, that we can take responsibility for how we are showing up to ensure safety can be felt in our presence. But generally speaking, we cannot declare that we are safe for others because we do not know what safety feels like for them. We may not be able to guarantee safety for others, but what we can do is take intentional and aligned action to ensure spaces are designed and held with the ability for people to access a felt sense of safety. Those conversations I've been having this week have been around what does safety actually look and feel like? Don't tell me the space is safe, show me. And one of the most supportive things you can do is adopt a trauma informed practice. Because traumainformed care equips us with the understanding of why safety is essential and so important to each individual person and a collective. It gives us the competence to confidently ensure we are creating and holding spaces for others so they're able to access a felt sense of safety within. So let's think back to that person or place where you feel safe with or where safety exists.
Oftentimes what's there is trust. And trust doesn't just happen, it's not just assumed, it's built over time. Trust is built through predictability, through repetition, through consistency and through a pace that feels doable for both people. Those four things are four things our nervous system loves. So when we show up in our spaces and in our businesses and in our leadership and are able to offer predictability and consistency, pace and repetition, we're able to extend an invitation for others to access safety within our presence. What we may also notice when we think about that person or space that we feel safe with, is that there is a level of being able to belong there, that we belong, that we're able to show up and be fully ourselves, that we can feel seen and heard and honored exactly as we are. That we don't have to edit or over give or over accommodate, that we can just be so that in our spaces and our businesses and services and even our products, we can extend that invitation to others, by offering choice, by offering options, by offering consensual communications, to invite people to be exactly as they are. These are inclusive practices because we're considering and we're using the understanding that people include their lived experiences and identities.
And when we're considerate of the inclusion of people's humanity, then we're extending inclusion in our spaces. We can also show up by listening. Not listening to fix, judge or solve, but listening to understand, to really hear people and what they're saying and then use that to consensually inquire by asking questions that opt for curiosity over judgment. These are all invitations for people to feel safe in our presence and within our spaces. Safety is not a static state of being. It's dynamic, it's ever evolving. It's our individual felt sense. So when we experience different events or environments or relationships, that may impact our ability to feel that felt sense of safety, that can also impact our ability to feel safe within other experiences, spaces or with people.
That's why being trauma informed is so key. Because when we understand that trauma disconnects us from a felt sense of safety and that our bodies and brains remember that when we go into new relationships or new spaces, by utilizing that recognition, we may understand then and function from the understanding that what may feel safe for me may not feel safe for other people. Therefore, I cannot guarantee safety as a person or space. However, what I can do is integrate practices to increase the likelihood of people accessing safety in my presence or in my space. Because I know that safety is an individual felt sense and there are various contributions within a space or within relational dynamics that may impact someone from feeling safe with me or other people. So what does this look like in everyday lifestyle? Pressing pause for a moment to share some helpful information and invite you to my free workshop this month promoting safety in your workspaces. We hear it all the time. This is a safe space.
But who is it actually safe for? And who determines what safety feels like? If you are anything like me, you have a strong desire for people you work with to feel comfortable, trusting and safe in your program and in your presence. We can have all the good intentions in the world, but safety doesn't come from good intentions. Safety is essential to building trusting, long lasting and successful relationships. It's not only important to know why safety is key, but to have tangible tools to make it a priority. Join me for this free virtual workshop where we will explore why safety is essential in client relationships, what risks you take by assuming safety with others, the benefits your clients gain by feeling safety in your presence, and how traumainformed care advances safety for everyone. This free workshop will be held on Wednesday, August 9, at 12:00 p.m.. Eastern Standard Time, with a recording of the replay available for a limited time after. You can register for this free workshop by going to Katie Kurtz.com freeworkshop okay, now back to this episode.
I'm now going to share the story I referenced earlier in the episode about my own personal lived experience, one experience or event that I had in the workplace that involved physical violence and assault. So this is where I'm going to share that story. And if you need to skip ahead, please feel free to do so. Or if you need to turn off right now because you just don't have the capacity, that's okay. Again, I am definitely sharing a little more detail than I typically share. One of the reasons I started this podcast and one of the things I committed to myself was to show up in my full humanity on this podcast. And I really wanted to be able to share more about my lived experiences and how they have shaped why I do this work and to offer some context and examples and also to invite other people on this podcast who desire to share their stories to help provide examples so that again, we can create a trauma informed future together. So now is where I'm going to share that story.
If you need to skip ahead, honor yourself as needed, you can always come back. That's the beauty of a podcast. Or if you just need to turn off altogether, I totally understand. So I mentioned in episode four where I shared a little bit more about my personal history and stories and lived experiences of trauma, about how I started off my social work career as a trauma therapist working in residential treatment. And in that job I experienced several incidents of physical assault because I was working with children and adolescents who had really severe and complex trauma histories and were in this type of facility in order to access treatment and to be safe. And so when they were dealing and healing with their trauma, they also exhibited some behaviors, and some of those behaviors were taken out on me, their therapist, and a variety of other issues occurred. So one specific assault that I experienced was this was a residential treatment facility, which, if you're not familiar, it's sort of like a hospital juvenile detention facility. So it was locked.
And this was 15 years ago. So at the time, we didn't have key fobs and fancy technology. We had literal keys, like a giant set of keys. So you had to figure out right away, which key went to which door and which cottage, and all the things. And so this one specific example, I was locked within a very contained hallway with three young men, and I was the only adult present. And in this situation, they were escalated. I was by myself, I was calling for help, and I was dealing with one of the clients when another one, which was much taller than me I'm a short person. I'm five foot, in case you didn't know.
So most people are taller than me, came up from behind me and physically assaulted me. It came out of nowhere. And I was trapped in this locked hallway. And it took some time, it felt like forever, but it took some time for people to come and help and kind of figure out the situation. But because of that specific situation, I had a loss of control. I did not have any type of power control in the situation. I knew and understood why these young men were acting and behaving and making those choices and saying and doing those things. However, it did not excuse their behaviors.
And what it left me with was trauma. That physical assault was out of my control. I did not choose, I did not consent to it. And it left an imprint on my body and my being. So what happened after this specific assault was that I became very hyper vigilant, meaning I was jumpy. If someone came up behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, I would jump. And to this day, that still sometimes happens that my neck and back are extremely sensitive because the body keeps the score. If you're not familiar, that's a very popular and also quite controversial book by Bessel van der Kolk.
But our bodies remember, I always say the issues are in our tissues. And after that assault, I was not given time to debrief or to get checked out. I had to go right back into my job. This event happened almost 15 years ago, and the reason why I share it today is that I know when I walk into a room, whether it's a restaurant or a training or literally anything, that in order for me to feel safe in a space, it's best for me to not have my back to a door. Now, I have gone through a lot of healing, a lot of therapy, a lot of things over the last 15 years. So if I'm in a space where my back is to a door, I'm okay. I'm not going to have a panic attack or anything like that. However, if I am in a space and my back is to a door, I'm more hyper vigilant.
I'm more aware. It might be harder for me to concentrate or stay present. That's why when I enter a training as the trainer, I am always looking to set up the space so that I can see my exits when I go to a restaurant, I'm always going to choose a seat where I can see the exits. If I go to a yoga class, I'm going to choose a spot or a place within the room so where I can see the exits. Because I know when I have the ability to be in a space and I can see where my exits are, I have more likely ability to feel safety in my body. Therefore I can feel more present, I can enjoy my time, I can focus on the class, I can be doing whatever I need to be doing in that space. This is something that I had to really take time and effort to learn about myself. And I wouldn't be able to do that if I didn't have the language and the tools and understanding of trauma and traumainformed care.
Now, if you met me or you took a class with me or we were getting coffee, you may never know that I had had that lived experience. You may just think that's where I chose to satch, or this is where I tend to sit in a training, or this is how I set up my space. And the reality is you don't need to know that lived experience that I've had in order to honor that choice of me choosing where I sit and how I set up my space. I shared this example to offer context and also to help really clarify how safety is that individual felt sense and it can change over time. And so it is impossible to guarantee safety in our spaces or within our presence. However, through trauma informed care, we can offer incredibly accessible tools and practices to increase the likelihood of safety to be felt with us and within the spaces we lead and live in. It shows us how to shift our communications and our language. It shows us how we could physically show up, whether that's in person or virtually.
It shows us how we can curate our spaces and set them up to reduce and minimize potential triggers or things that may cause people to feel unsafe. It shows us how we can minimize and resist pathways of harm and how to show up and lead. It also shows us how we can structure our businesses and sell and market and do all the things we want to do through this lens to reduce and minimize the ability for harm to occur. And it equips us with the practices and the support so that we know what to do when harm does occur. Trauma informed care is not complicated or hard, but it is a choice we have to make and a commitment to continuing to show up and be able to put this recognition into everyday practice. Although we cannot guarantee safety, there are so many things we can do to increase the ability for people to access safety in our presence. One of the biggest things we can do is take ownership of our own nervous system care. Nervous system.
Care is like self care, but different because we're actively attuning to our nervous system and finding ways to increase our capacity to be in a state of regulation so that when stress, adversity or trauma occur, we're able to get back into neutral in a way that is not delayed as it would be if we didn't have the capacity. Self care is great. No shade to self care. You can't walk into anywhere these days without finding five or six aisles dedicated to self care. And I love that because even just ten years ago we were not talking about self care the way we are today. But nervous system care is different. It doesn't come from aisles in Target or spa days or champagne and chocolate. What I'm talking about is active practices that really tend to nourish and nurture our nervous systems.
We tend to our nervous systems in a variety of ways both to ground and release. And we do that through connection. Whether that's connection with people or nature, with animals or art, music or our bodies. There are so many different ways we can tend to and care for our nervous systems because when we're able to build that capacity to regulate and then extend, that what we call co regulation, we're able to offer that to other people. When I show up in spaces and I'm able to have tended to my nervous system and I'm regulated and I'm attuned, I'm more present, I'm more able to sit with and be with others, I'm more able to listen, I'm more able to build trust over time, which is where safety exists. But if I'm consistently coming into spaces or showing up dysregulated, I may unknowingly or unintentionally, then be sharing or displaying or mirroring that for others and they may pick up on that as well. Therefore, it might create an inability to access trust or safety to be felt in that relationship. How we show up matters, and it matters in how people can access a felt sense of safety with us.
Now, some nuance here is that some people are just never going to feel safe in our presence and we have to critically look at that and come to a place of acceptance. Is there something within our capacity that we can change or shift, learn or unlearn take accountability for so that we can reestablish a pattern of trust and for safety to eventually be built? Or do we have to come to a place of acceptance that this is not possible or within that person's capacity, but still show up in a way where that invitation is still available? I want to talk a little bit about one of the most number one important things we can do. And I've mentioned this before, but it bears repeating. Research has shown us time and time again that the number one thing to mitigate, prevent and heal trauma is safe, healthy, nurturing relationships. Safe relationships, people we can build trust with and feel that felt sense of safety with. Every single person listening to this podcast right now has the power and ability to be a safe, healthy, nurturing relationship in someone else's life. And if you are a professional facilitator spaceholder human service worker, you not only have the power, but the responsibility to be able to show up as a safe, healthy, nurturing person in other people's lives. And not safe by what you determine safe, but helping people access a felt sense of safety in your presence and in your spaces.
This is such a key component of trauma informed care and how we create a trauma informed future by first just recognizing the reality that although safety is so key and so important, we need to be able to also simultaneously recognize that it's not always within our power or ability to guarantee safety in our spaces or to be safe people. However, it is our responsibility and our ability to expand this understanding into everyday practice and to utilize all these various skills and tools that are within our reach to ensure we're using them so that safety can be felt. Trust can be built and that people do feel like they can be themselves, to be fully seen and heard and honored exactly as they are. I always ask myself what could be possible if people felt safe, trust and belonging in our spaces, in our workplaces, in our healthcare systems, in all of the different systems we exist in now, this does take practice. It does take choice. And showing up and sometimes showing up is the hardest part. But this is why I started with knowing what safety feels like for you and your body. Let's go back to that practice we shared at the beginning of this episode of bringing to your mind's eye that person or that space where you can feel a felt sense of safety.
When we're able to know what safety feels like for us in our own being, then we're more able to then look at where we can also show up and be and offer to allow people to access safety for them. When we can see that in our own lives, we're then able to then expand that into the lives of the people we live with, we work with, we socialize with. It allows us to practice that pause again, that reminder that sometimes trauma can feel like too much, too fast, too soon. So one of the biggest things we can do is to resist that and slow things down. Practicing the pause is one of my most favorite and accessible tools to utilize. It literally is just exactly that. Practice the pause. Slow things down, take a moment, take a breath.
Perhaps it's literally saying it out loud, I need to pause here for a moment with somebody and invite them to practice the pause, whatever it may be. It. Can look and feel whatever you want it to be, but allowing ourselves to slow down, to be intentional, to discern, we're then able to focus on how we're feeling, how we're showing up to access regulation in the moment, so that we can then offer co regulation to others. And although co regulation doesn't equal safety or guarantee safety, again, it's that invitation, that extended hand to invite people in to potentially feel safe within our space and in our presence. So much of traumainformed care is how we show up. If we're going to utilize this approach and offer it to others, we have to include ourselves in it so that we know that we are not offering it at our own expense, but we're also able to expand our own capacity to be with ourselves, to be with our own healing, to be in our own lived experiences and to know what safety feels like for us, what trust feels like for us, so that we can increase our access to those people in those spaces that we continue to show up in. Safety is an ongoing conversation we will have throughout this podcast, and it's one that I invite you to explore for yourself and it's one I'm always exploring too. I want to encourage you to keep this conversation at the forefront of your mind, remembering the nuance of these conversations and that feeling unsafe with certain people or situations doesn't necessarily mean harm or that trauma has occurred.
And sometimes it has, and it's really going to be contextual and based on the specific person, event, environment and experience. There are no binaries here. There's a lot of and both. There's a lot of gray. And so again, I'm not teaching anything here in prescriptions or telling you how to do, be or feel or say anything. It's an invitation. And I want to invite you into thinking more about safety, to broaden your understanding and start first within. And also a really gentle reminder and permission for grace here that so many of us with lived experiences of trauma who may have not have started or have access to healing pathways, finding safety in our bodies might feel extremely challenging.
So please, wherever you're at, wherever you're landing, just offer yourself some grace and honor your humanity in the process. If you want some simple ways to start to look at safety and how people can access safety in your presence, start by looking at the language you're using. If you're sitting here and listening to this podcast, notice if you're using the term safe space or using safety in other ways, and I don't share this to swing to an extreme of feeling shame or guilt. If you do feel that, practice that pause and try to find a way to come back to neutrality. Choose curiosity over judgment. I'm not saying that anything or anyone is good, bad, right or wrong. What I am doing is inviting us to think a little differently. To expand our understanding and then invite us into looking at ways we can shift our language, shift the way we look at safety within our spaces and to broaden our understanding so that we can ensure that we're showing up in ways that aren't just saying they're safe, but actually being and inviting people into safety.
What would be possible if we felt safe in the spaces we exist in? What would be possible if we created accessibility to safety in the presence of the people we work with, we live with, we are in community with. This is an ongoing conversation, like I said, and I'm excited to talk more about it, but that's it for today. I really appreciate you being here and being in this conversation with me. I look forward to our next conversation in the next episode, but for now, take good care.
