Trauma-Informed Self Care
You are really good at offering trauma-informed care to others, but how are you at offering that same care to yourself? In today's episode of A Trauma-Informed Future podcast, host Katie Kurtz is reviewing 6 essential elements of trauma-informed self-care. Learn about the bidirectional nature of trauma-informed care, emphasizing the importance of including ourselves as caregivers in the process. This episode is packed with insights to help you nurture and support your overall well-being.
Show Transcript:
Katie Kurtz (she/her): Hi everyone. And welcome back to A Trauma-Informed Future podcast. I'm your host, Katie Kurtz and this solo episode I wanted to talk about one of, I think the most vital aspects of trauma informed care is trauma informed self care. How do we apply this approach to ourselves? You've probably heard me talk about this before, if you've listened to the podcast, but if not, it's always a helpful reminder. When I first learned about this approach 15 ish years ago. I was taught that this was the care we deliver to others. But what was often missing was the bi-directionality of this approach and how we, the caregiver apply it to ourselves. It was very one dimensional.
And what I've learned over the years, especially working in high burnout career fields, such as social work, healthcare therapy. Et cetera, is that it is vital for trauma informed care to be practiced, as a bi-directional approach to include ourselves in the approach and importantly, to apply this approach to our [00:01:00] own self-care.
So I wanted to talk a little about what this means, what I mean by trauma informed care includes you. And I also wanted to share a little bit of context of how I personally applied trauma informed care in my own life applicable to my own self care. So there's really six main areas that I think of when I think of applying trauma informed care to ourselves, it's not an exhaustive list.
It's definitely some main points that I just wanted to review today. And then again, I always think it's helpful to share real life examples and I'm happily going to share just examples from my own life, my own practice and with the disclaimer and caveat that I do not practice this approach a hundred percent of the time.
There is no perfection here. As much as I try as much as my Virgo heart attempts to seek perfection, it does not happen. I often forget. I'm really good at offering this approach to others and not so much towards myself. And it's tricky [00:02:00] to remember, and to do this within personal relationships, it's a lot easier professionally than personally, at least within my own lived experience.
And so I wanted to share a little bit today, especially as we hear so much about self care in our orbits. I remember when I first learned about self care early on in my social work career was such like a new phenomenon, which like, it's not, but it was new in talking about it and like the social work career realm. And then it's taken on a total life of its own.
Right? You can't go to Target without finding at least six aisles just dedicated to self care. When I talk about self care, I'm not talking about this traditional self care of bubble baths chocolate. You know, whatever I'm talking about deeply nourishing and nurturing ourselves and applying this approach to the care we give ourselves. So I wanted to share today, six points of things to [00:03:00] consider. To invite you into considering and thinking about when we're talking about applying this approach to yourself, and if you need a gentle reminder, I always do. So if you're like me, and you need that reminder of how can I apply this approach to myself?
What does that actually look like? This is a great episode to listen to save and maybe to share with somebody, you know Who may need it. So we think about trauma-informed care. There are so many ways we apply this and key skills that we apply this to relationship building skills, communication skills, those interpersonal skills. Critical thinking self-awareness. Empathy. When we think about applying or including ourselves in trauma-informed care, the first and foremost thing we want to do is just take knowledge, our own lived experiences. We know that most, if not all of us who are using giving and providing this caring approach to others also have our own lived experiences of trauma and toxic [00:04:00] stress. I know for myself I have done and continue to do my own trauma, healing and utilization of trauma healing modalities, including. Therapy and somatic work, body work and other nervous system care work. And I have to be very aware, especially as somebody who holds a lot of space who trains on this work, it's not just something I need, but also I want to be very aware of, because not only does it help me build my capacity to. Show up with more awareness with more self-trust with more self confidence.
It also helps me bring into the spaces I teach in. Examples and ability to have more capacity to hold space for others. If I am able to hold space for myself, I have more capacity to [00:05:00] hold space for others. I'm also more attuned to myself, which allows me to be more attuned to others. And I typically work in group settings where it takes effort to really tune into the dynamics and the different needs of a group. And I also need to be aware because I'm going into different settings and different industries and just being a person who has, lived experiences of trauma.
I do not have. PTSD or post traumatic stress disorder. I do have a lot of anxiety. And that anxiety has been heightened, especially in the last few years because of the pandemic and because of caregiver burnout. So I have to be mindful of my own triggers of my own nervous system. How I move about in the spaces I show up in and to ensure that it doesn't roll over and impact other people being attuned to my nervous system allows me to ensure that if I'm coming in dysregulated, that I'm practicing my [00:06:00] tools and skills to regulate my nervous system to seek out co-regulation so that I'm showing up in a state that doesn't mirror that for other people. I share a lot examples and I have on this podcast and I do in my training of different ways my own lived experiences impact how I show up. And. You know, being mindful of different things, sensory things Different elements that impact me and my lived experiences. So being aware of your own lived experiences, how that impacts you today, how that impacts your health, your mental health, your nervous system. Is really key, so it can help you again, attune to yourself care and nurture yourself.
And so that you are aware of how that impacts how you show up for others and the care you give for others. This directly impacts the second facet of trauma informed self care, which is how do we honor the ebbs and flows of our own capacity, our capacity being how much we can [00:07:00] hold. And our capacity is always ebbing and flowing.
It's impacted by so many different things, especially just what we are experiencing in this season of life. I've shared many times on this podcast that I am a caregiver. I'm the primary caregiver of my parents. Who are both inching towards 80 this next year. And I've been caregiving for them for the last 15 years more intensely, the last five and even more intensely the last two and a half, three years. And over the last several months for about the last five months, their status, their health status. Has drastically changed.
And within the last several weeks I have had to make a lot of hard decisions and be with my family and decided to place , both of my parents. Ironically on the same day that was not expected or planned into hospice care. End of life care. And I say, ironically, [00:08:00] because my parents are very attached to one another.
They have historically tended to have medical crises or been in the hospital at the same time, which. As an only child and primary caregiver can be quite tricky. And so it was quite ironic to learn that in the morning, one day I was setting up my dad in hospice care and then afternoon, I was meeting with my mom's medical team. And we too are setting her up for hospice care. And I want to remind you if I choose to share about my personal life. Which I'm a very private person.
And if I do share about my personal life, I'm doing so from a really a place of choice and I'm doing so from a grounded place. And if it involves stories or information of other people I'm ensuring I'm getting their consent to share. In the last year I've talked a lot about, and I've been invited to speak in as a keynote for a variety of [00:09:00] conferences and Different events specifically around caregiving and trauma-informed care in older adult services.
And I share a lot and integrate my own story as a caregiver . I weave that throughout my workshops and my keynotes, and I have consent from them to share that. And I do so again, from a really grounded space. The reason I share this as my capacity, I have had to really learn how to ride the waves of my capacity, especially over the last several years, because my caregiving. Has shifted so much.
My external supports have shifted so much. And my abilities show up. Like I knew this was eventually going to happen, but I didn't expect it to happen now. And I certainly did not expect to have both of them. Have such significant changes in their status so quickly at the same time. And so I've had to become, very adaptable and flexible. And I'm very grateful for the privilege of being able to have that [00:10:00] flexibility and adaptability in the work I do.
And in my home life and with the support system I have. But I have. Really had to look at the role grief plays in my capacity. I experienced and hit a really big burnout wall, a caregiver burnout wall end of 2023, I just really hit my limit. Things were really tough. And. I hit my wall and I could not, I knew my capacity was at limit.
I really could not continue to do what I was doing. I could not take on any more. I really had to look at what I was holding and what I could put down what I could say no to what I could hand off to others. And. Some days I have a lot of capacity and some days I don't. And so I have to again, be attuned to that. Communicate that with others. Make sure I'm offering myself [00:11:00] some grace and really be realistic about how much I can hold and what I can't and when I have to pause. And as a trauma informed leader honoring our capacity is vital because it impacts so much of how we show up and provide this care towards others. And we have to be real.
And I always say this when I train is that sometimes we're not going to have capacity and we're going to have to show up anyways. I know there are multiple times in my life where I just did not have it, but I still had to show up how to show up to work. I had to show up for caregiving.
I had to show up in relationships or whatever it may be. Responsibilities life is going to life. And so how do we still show up with choice with consent with grace, with compassion. How again, you know, we hear all the things around self care and self love. What would we tell someone we love?
Right. When we think about trauma-informed care. If we were going to give this care to others, why [00:12:00] wouldn't we get also give that care to ourselves. So how are we also practicing these key elements towards ourselves. This really leads us to the next or this third element. They all sort of are together, right?
If we think of them instead of a sequential order, a checklist, think of them as like this very circular moving thing, which is encouraging the practice of self consent. I've spoken on this podcast about consent and the different forms of consent and self consent is one that we often forget. And it's one that we often bypass.
And again, it's so essential to have and to practice. And self consent is what I like to think of as permission slips. How do we give ourselves permission to do be feel or say whatever we need in the moment? How do we practice choice? How do we say. Yes or no within our own lives. So for me, if I'm kind of following this storyline [00:13:00] of caregiving, I have to show up and practice self consent.
What do I need to give myself permission for today? Is it looking at my to-do list and only getting a few of those things done. Is it handing it off to some other people? Do I need to rest today? Do I need to cancel all my plans and say, Hey, I just need to rest today. Do I need to recharge my battery?
And for me as an introvert, I need alone time. I need time to just completely recharge and reset and recalibrate. Do I need to look at my calendar and reschedule things. Reprioritize, renegotiate my priorities. If I'm looking at your requests, how am I practicing that permission? That consent. Is this something I feel like I need to do, or that I have to do? I as somebody who tends to and , has historically fawned or people, please it's [00:14:00] really easy for me, especially for work.
Like I get really excited and I want to say yes, and then sometimes I regret that. So really practicing that pause. Is this something I really want to do? Is it aligned with my values? Is it aligned with my integrity? Is it aligned with my capacity right now? Or do I need to say thank you maybe next time. Depending on the season of life, I'm in the capacity. I have.
Which leads us to this fourth element, which is promoting healthy boundaries. When we're able to practice choice and consent for ourselves. This especially applies to the boundaries we have. Where do we begin? And where do we end? We know that trauma informed care is an extraordinarily boundaried practice. And we hear all the time about boundaries, but boundaries are sometimes easier said than done.
And especially in our personal life when we're applying this approach it can be a little sticky, a little tricky. So as a caregiver. I can't always just say, [00:15:00] no, I am the only person for the most part that can make well, I'm the only person that can make decisions for my parents and their health. And you know, my mom has Alzheimer's and my dad has a lot of health issues.
So I am the primary caregiver. I'm the person that makes these big decisions. And I have an incredible support system, but you know, I've had people in my life say, wow, like that's so stressful.
You should just be able to step away from it all. And I can't. I can't just step away from it all. It's complicated. I should mention too, that, you know, I. Am I going to get into the details, but. Something we don't talk a lot about with caregiving is it's extra complicated when we're caring for people who may have caused you pain in the past or related to your trauma.
And I have complex relationships with my parents. I love them dearly. I know they love me, but the [00:16:00] relationships are complex and. Those elements make caregiving extra stretchy and extra hard most days.
And so sometimes there have been moments over the years where I have just wanted to walk away, but I know a that's not who I am. That doesn't align with my values. And it's really invited me to recalibrate and look again at coming back to this approach and applying it. To consent and choice and boundaries.
The reason why I share so much about caregiving is because as a young caregiver, Especially in the early days I was caregiving for 15 years. That was my twenties, all of my thirties. Then I'm approaching 40 this fall. And so I didn't have examples of people going through this. It has felt incredibly isolating. And lonely and it was because of people sharing on social media and on podcasts that I finally was able to [00:17:00] find people with other lived experiences, the power of peer support. And so I always am very open about my caregiving experiences and share again to the point that I feel most comfortable sharing because. I think it's helpful to use context and examples, but also I know there are so many other people out there like me who are in this. In these roles the sandwich generation, maybe they're caregiving for older. You know, loved ones and also children or just caregiving in a variety of ways.
And they just feel maybe like they're out there on their own. And so I think it's so important to have spaces to be feel seen and heard. And so that's why I continue to show up and share my experiences. Boundaries are tricky. I'm first to tell you I'm not great at it. Especially when the people pleasing that fawning comes up, it can be extra work for me to place in boundaries.
I've definitely grown and become much better at it over the years. And I'm grateful to have [00:18:00] an amazing therapist and other tools and coaches and things that have helped support me in building these boundaries.
And then other things obviously with not just with caregiving, but that's just the world I'm in right now. The biggest thing I'm dealing with my biggest stressor, but other things like work is, I have an email signature that shares a very clear boundary and it states, you know, Unless I say something as urgent please take your time with this honor your capacity. I will honor mine.. I'm very communicative about my capacity. If someone reaches out. With a request or something. And I don't have the capacity to, or the ability to choose or consent to it. I'm just very clear. Like I, this is not within my capacity right now.
And I clearly communicate that. I have to be very flexible and boundaried with my calendar and my time. And so making sure I really time block things. Which I'm not going to lie. It's very hard for [00:19:00] me. I'm so used to being flexible, adaptable that I'm like sometimes totally overbooked myself, which I just have to come back. Begin again, allow for grace compassion, right?
Practicing the pause,, applying trauma informed care to myself. And this comes back again to this fifth thing, which is increasing our self-awareness. When we do overbook, when we do override our boundaries, when we do go beyond our capacity, when we say yes to things, we don't want to say yes to where we feel like we have to. How do we pause?
Recalibrate? Come back, increase our awareness. Okay. Interesting. That wasn't what I wanted to do. I did I say yes to it. Getting curious, choosing curiosity over judgment, which is such an integral part of trauma informed care. How do we increase our awareness? How do we do better next time? As one of my dear friends, Wendy always says, we don't know we don't know till we know it. So how do we again, bring our attention, bring our awareness, curiosity over judgment into [00:20:00] these types of things, where maybe again, we're really good at offering the care, but not so much accepting the care. How can we bring our awareness to that? I mentioned I hit my caregiver burnout wall at the end of 2023.
And I really had to get vulnerable and ask for help. And help in a lot of different ways. I had to ask my partner. To show up for me more and to hold space for me, for my family to step in and help me. I had to ask. My parents medical teams to help more I had to. Tell my friends you know, For help support. And I really had to ask for my own trust and support and really prioritize my health, my mental health. And by own. Wellness and bring my awareness to that and bring my awareness to my body.
And what was I feeling and really tending to my [00:21:00] nervous system. And slowing down and recalibrating. Which brings us to the sixth thing, which is enhancing our emotional capacity. Again, our capacity being how much we can hold. And for me personally, I have a lot of depth and breadth to my capacity, especially my emotional capacity.
I can go deep with people and I can hold it. And it's one of my gifts and it's why I do this work. And when we're practicing trauma informed care, we're also increasing, you know, I don't love the term emotional intelligence, but this, you know, EQ emotional quotient, we're expanding our ability to be with. Our humanity and our humanity includes the lot of nuance, a lot of emotions, a lot of feelings, a lot of experiences.
And when we practice trauma informed care, We're building our capacity to be with the humanity of others and our own humanity. So when we do all of these things, when we think about trauma-informed care trauma-informed care in [00:22:00] essence is capacity building. And so all of these different things by looking at our boundaries awareness consent. All of these things, help build our emotional capacity or physical capacity.
All of these different, just our human capacity to continue to show up, to honor ourselves, to be caring towards ourselves and others.
You know, I wanted to share these things because again, This includes, but is not limited to the six things and I'm going to repeat them. So acknowledging your own lived experiences and healing. Honoring the ebbs and flows of your capacity, encouraging the practice of self consent. Giving yourself permission. Promoting healthy boundaries increasing self-awareness. And enhancing emotional capacity, thinking of this, not like a checklist or something across off like a to-do list, but rather this very circular fluid thing. Because you are included in the practice by applying the same elements of humanity, affirming care and intention you offer to others.
When we practice trauma [00:23:00] informed care with ourselves, it's strengthens our ability to attune and to offer it to others. It's a mutually beneficial practice. It's always timely, but a reminder that this approach includes us. And I know for me right now in the season of life, as I shared. Entering this stage and phase of my caregiving, where my parents are now in hospice care. I have felt a very visceral shift in my capacity, in my ability to provide this care to myself and within my relationships.
And I am the first to admit that I am not always so great at applying trauma informed care in my caregiving. And that's a sticky thing to admit. But I'm very honest because again, it's complicated to provide this kind of care to people who. You have complex relationships with. But I try and I do my best and I own where I may mess [00:24:00] up. And again, I'm really applying this to myself because there's a lot of grief and healing and this work and Trying to prevent more burnout and things like that.
So, for me, as we navigate the horrors that continue to persist in our world, whether it's our personal world and the collective. Remembering to apply trauma-informed care to ourselves is vital for our capacity and our sustainability to show up in the long run. This is the long game. So how are we really nurturing ourselves? Nourishing ourselves, tending to our own care, providing this care to ourselves is so essential in creating a trauma informed future. I'd love to hear from you and how you're practicing trauma informed care. In your own self care, feel free to reach out LinkedIn email Instagram tag me. I'd love to connect and hear from you. That is it for today. In this with you and until next time, take good care.
