Infusing Consent into Everyday Practice
In this episode of "A Trauma-Informed Future" with your host Katie Kurtz, we delve into one of the core elements of a trauma-informed care practice: consent. Katie breaks down the meaning of consent, its significance in trauma-informed care, and how it can be integrated into everyday life. She discusses various types of consent, essential elements to ensuring consent is centered in your communications and offers practical examples and insights for what this can look and sound like in everyday life. Join us as we explore the vital role of consent in fostering safety, trust, and autonomy, and how it can shape our interactions and relationships.
Show Transcript:
Katie Kurtz (she/her): ] Hi everyone and welcome back to a trauma informed future podcast. I'm your host, Katie Kurtz. Today, I wanted to springboard a little bit on a common theme we've been talking throughout this season, which has been around the core elements of communications specifically consensual communications.
This season I had conversations with two guests that really inspired me to discuss some of the details and the nuances of core elements and principles of trauma informed care.
In episode 24, I was in conversation with Zabie Yamasaki talking about creating a culture of consent. And in that episode, we talked a lot about self consent and the importance of consent especially worth working with folks in any capacity . And then in episode 25, I was in conversation with Rachel Archambault around the power of language. And in the important ways we can easily shift our language towards safety. If we look to trauma informed care, you're typically going to see those as core elements and principles of the practice. However, What does that really mean? We know why it's important. We know what it is, but how do we do it?
So I wanted to spend a little bit time today to talk to you about consent, let's name it, let's create some shared language. We know I'm a big fan of that. And talk about what that can look like in everyday life. Not just within the words we use, but in the way we communicate overall. Consent is a big word. And it doesn't just live within human care services consent has a lot of terms when it comes to relationships especially sexual intimacy relationships also very much used within the legal field. For the sake of trauma-informed care whenever I'm talking about consent, I always like to share my definition of what I mean, when I talk about consent and choice. We first need to understand why consent is so important. We do not choose to have trauma. No one consents to trauma. Trauma is our brilliant bodies doing exactly what they're meant to do to keep us safe and to survive. So when we exist in relationships or environments or events, That disconnect is for safety that threaten or harm us our response to survive and stay safe is trauma.
And I've said this many times before, is that trauma thrives in isolation it disconnects us from our ability to control to consent to have agency or choice. So if we know that trauma disconnects us from choice agency autonomy. We did not choose trauma.
We did not consent to it. It is not us going about saying this is how I want to respond. So when we think about trauma-informed care as a harm reduction practice as something. We do to help reconnect people back to a felt sense of safety then it's imperative that we prioritize autonomy and agency consent choice.
Trauma-informed care is about reconnecting back people back to their ability to choose what is best for them and to consent or give permission to do that. And not us doing that for them, not us demanding or controlling someone else, but allowing for them to do it for themselves. When people are allowed to practice consent and choice. They're in those small ways, able to rebuild a sense of. Autonomy and self-trust, which helps reconnect back to a sense of safety in a relationship when there is consent and choice. An individual who has experienced trauma is able to rebuild trust within that relationship. Knowing that they are able to choose what is best for them that they have control over what's best for them.
So that is why consent and choice are imperative and why we need to center consent and choice in our trauma informed practices. Okay, so what is consent? This is the definition I use and how I teach consent. In trauma informed trainings, take it or leave it, but I utilize this to help express why this is so important and how we can, when we look at it through this lens, infuse it into everything we do. For the sake of this podcast.
And this episode today consent is a conscious expressed agreement. Or permission. Now this can hold very specific definitions, depending on the context. The key here is a conscious expressed agreement or permission.
And again, this can mean a variety of different things. I like to talk about five different types of consent, because this is what I have found to be most prevalent when providing trauma informed care and this is what I've seen over the years of teaching trauma informed care to thousands of people.
So I talk about five different types of consent. Again, non-exhaustive list. And you have to remember nuance and context here. We're talking about the context of trauma informed care, which in which is in reality, a type of care, a type of approach we're using to build relationships, to communicate, to make decisions. Et cetera. So the first type of consent is expressed consent.
This is where there's a clear expression of permission or agreement. Quite literally, this may sound do I have your consent to you or is it okay if I do I have your permission to. It's a very direct expression of consent. Or yes, I am. I am consenting to this. If you use it, doesn't have to include the word consent.
It may be other words that imply a very clear expression of permission that yes, I am choosing to do this or no. I am not choosing to do this. The other type of consent is implied consent. So this is typically inferred based on actions. Typically nonverbal cues, we typically see implied consent, although a little grayer it's not as explicit or expressed. In existing relationships, where safety and trust are already existing and where there has been some mutuality built.. So that somebody may imply there might be implied consent based on this and inferring based on the actions.
Perhaps it's a head nod or other kind of language that's not explicitly expressed. But rather it's more conversational and relational. Now this is a little more gray, but we can all think of implied consent in a variety of ways, especially within our closest, most intimate relationships, but it's still consent because there is a clear yes or no.. Informed consent.
Now, this term is a little more legal. This is where there is some clear understanding. Typically in written or signed format. We see informed consent a lot. We're doing it all the time. How many times have you skimmed a bunch of words and hit yes I agree to these terms and conditions. Every time you go on a website and they say, do you accept these cookies?
You're saying, yes, I accept. Or no, I do not . If you are somebody who provide services and you provide an agreement and you say this is what we're agreeing to. And at the end you have you signed in someone else assigned. That is informed consent. You're providing a lot of different information and at the end, you're making sure both parties are in agreement. I love using informed consent with sales and marketing because it again allows for really clear, consistent, transparent communications. And it's allowing for time for people to make an informed decision best for them. Unanimous consent is a general consensus from a group of people.
So this is very common and typical within group work of any kind. So whether that is literally a group service, you're working with a group of people, a team. A family. How many times have you tried to create consensus on where you're going to brunch or dinner with your friend group?
You're asking around what does everyone want? And then you create a consensus and that's where you choose to go as a group. Unanimous consent is especially important when we're looking at trauma-informed facilitation and space holding, because we're going to be asking everyone's input, allowing for people to share and express their agreement or disagreement, and then finding a way to work together to make a choice.
And then lastly, this one often goes undiscussed and that is personal consent or self consent. Self consent is so key, especially as trauma-informed practitioners, because we need to be personally attuning to our own ability to practice permission. Am I giving myself permission to do be feel, or say whatever I need in the moment. Am I overriding my needs, overriding my nervous system over giving over accommodating in order to help or please others?
We are not practicing consent because we're instead giving over our boundaries rather than consenting and saying, actually, no, this is actually what I need right now. Self consent is such a practice. And it can be tricky, especially if we have our own relational wounds, our own trauma healing practices.
And this is such a important part of trauma healing is learning how to practice self consent. We create healing environments when we allow for consent and choice to be present.
And we ourselves practice healing by practicing self consent and consent within relationships. So expressed implied and formed, unanimous and personal are the five types of consent I really like to hone in on, when I talk about trauma informed care. And when I teach it. So when I'm talking about trauma informed care, whether it's on this podcast or social media, And I'm talking about consent.
I'm talking about these different types of consent. What is this actually? When we're looking at integrating consent into our everyday practice through a trauma informed lens. We need to consider a few things first and foremost. Trauma informed care in essence is an active mindfulness practice of the understanding of trauma and its impact and the reality that it's insidious and that virtually everyone would come in contact, including ourselves has a lived experience of trauma.
When we hold this understanding and we're mindful of this, as we communicate, build relationships, makes decisions move about this world, then we use that to inform how we show up. The whole part of trauma informed care is to utilize our understanding of trauma. Which expands our empathy and compassion. To then inform how we show up and relate and move about the world. So for integrating consent into our trauma informed lens, we are functioning from the understanding that trauma takes away our ability to consent and it takes away our autonomy. So in order for us to help reconnect people back to a felt sense of safety and our presence and our relationship and our workplace, wherever it may be. We need to integrate access to consent and choice in whatever way we can. Now I want to pause here for a minute, because this is where I see people start to swing to extremes. When people start to learn about consent and choice and understanding it from a trauma lens, we tend to see people swing to extremes where they feel like they constantly have to give consent. A million choices, even if it's not within their capacity to give those choices, they're still trying to do it because they're over compensating.
They're swinging to the extreme that if they don't do over-give or over provide then they're going to cause harm. So it's coming from a mindset of fear rather than coming from a place of neutrality to really look and pause and say, what is within my capacity to offer in my space, in my program, in my relationship right now. Is it within my capacity to offer these choices. And if so, can I clearly communicate it to allow for people or the person to consent. Sometimes we are not going to have a choice. There may not be a choice available. And so I want to remind people that's okay. If you have to run or facilitate a class or a webinar or something, perhaps on online, virtually a zoom and you have to. See people's faces. Or have them participate in order for the specific goal or objective to be matched
that is absolutely fine. I've seen people swing to that extreme "oh my goodness. then it's not trauma informed because I'm not giving all these choices". I want us to, again, pause and notice where that thought and idea is resonating from. Because the reality is in our life, we were not always going to have choice, but as long as we're transparent and clear, and we consistently remind people of that so they can make an informed decision. Then that in of itself is , offering consent and choice. We may not have the ability to offer choice in certain circumstances, but as long as we communicate that with clear. Transparent communications. And perhaps there is an opt-out if need be. Then allowing that is still practicing trauma-informed care.
Just be mindful of where you may swing to those extremes and find ways to come back to neutral. How do we integrate consent? There are three things that I really like to ensure we are thinking about when we are integrating consent into everything we do. Again, consent is not just within the words we use, but in how we communicate those words, how we listen how we give feedback, how we receive feedback and how we build relationships, how we make decisions, how we critically think. Et cetera.
And again, if we think about self consent, it's about self-awareness, it's about how we ourselves are bringing awareness to how we are. Honoring our own autonomy and agency. So there are three things that I really like to hone in on. When we think about infusing consent in everything we do. The first one is transparency. I always think to what Brene Brown says " clear is kind unclear is unkind". The same again, goes for other people and towards ourselves. How can we use clear, understandable, accessible language and communications.
How are we being clear and transparent? We're not Overwhelming or flooding people with too much information. If we do have to give a lot of information we're doing so with transparency "Hey, just a heads up, a lot of information coming at you". Maybe we're taking some time to make it a little more digestible or we're companioning with them to walk through that information together. Even if it's a lot or there's, depending on the context of the situation, as long as you're transparent, you're clear
and you're really consistent with making sure people know, saying something once we're not going to remember. I heard somewhere and I apologize I can't cite the source right now, but it takes seven times for us to remember something. So just because you remember it don't assume somebody else does.
Remember our nervous systems love Predictability., consistency, repetition, pace, all of those things help us increase our ability to access a felt sense of safety. It helps us build trust. And so when you're transparent, we want to make things accessible. We want to use language that's not super jargon-y. And we then want to look at being invitational.
So making the choice to consent to invitational, mutual so that you it's doable for you. It's doable for the other person or people and it's feasible. So again, Before you offer a choice, make sure it's feasible for you. A good example here. A while ago I started. This practice with friends, especially in the pandemic with texting.
I'm the helper friend and most of my friends are also that way. So we started this practice of before we just dump or vent into a group text. We checked in with each other saying, "Hey. Gosh, it's such a bad day. Do you have capacity?" Meaning do you have the room and availability? To listen or hold space for me. Or "Hey, oh, I had such a great day. This really amazing thing happened. Do you have the capacity to talk right now?" In that question, it gives me the permission to say, do I have the capacity right now?
Or the room or availability? To listen to this really great thing or really awful thing that happened to my friend right now. It gives me pause to check in to practice self consent. And if I'm having a fine day and I'm eager to hear, I might say, yeah, absolutely go ahead. Or if I'm also going through a lot or I'm really busy or I'm in the middle of this something, it gives me permission to say, Hey, I really want to listen to you can we check in later or tomorrow?
It's allowing the feasibility of the choice. Now it would be different if it were emergency. This has become a common practice in my friend group and my partnerships and my relationships. But if we know it's an emergency, Hey. I just want you to know that this is urgent. Can you please respond or I'll do this in emails or texts to colleagues or new people I'm meeting in my professional world saying, Hey, no urgency to respond to this right now, because for me. I'm assessing, it's okay. If this person gets to back to me in a few days or next week or next month, but if I need it right now, I'm just being really transparent and invitational saying, this is when I need it by letting you know. And when I'm creating choices for people, whether it's in my trainings or consulting, I'm making sure again, that I'm not offering a million choices because when we do offer a lot of choices, than it can feel flooding and overwhelming.
Have you ever gone to a restaurant and have seen like pages and pages on the menu? It's great to have choice, but my goodness, sometimes it's too much choice. So we want to again, make sure we're not swinging to those extremes and we're making the choices feasible for you the one giving them. So it doesn't override your consent and your capacity, and we're making them invitation for others to choose from. And again, sometimes that invitation is that there is no choice and we're just clearly transparently communicating that. And then we want to look at the third thing, which is adaptability. Learning to be flexible and adaptable is such a core component of trauma informed care it's being able to do so to meet people where they're at today, allow people to change their minds. And again, to be unquestionable. When somebody chooses something and they consent to that choice, it is not our jobs to question that.
And we also, again, honoring context and nuance here within our capacity, can they change their minds? How I show up today may not be how I show up tomorrow. So how can I allow for some gray space and adaptability to change my mind with knowing that in some context changing your mind may not be an option. But if we are, especially in long-term relationships with people, whether that's clients, colleagues, Family friends partnerships. Adaptability is so key so that we can allow people over time to change their minds if they need it.
We're not the same people we were last week, last month, a year. So being adaptable is so helpful. In practicing consent and choice.
So I always like to do some contrast because it helps me think about okay, what is it? What is it not? And again, allowing for some fluidity of context and nuance. So let's break down consensual versus non-consensual practices from a trauma informed lens. So for example, if you are practicing trauma informed care actively, perhaps you're doing it at work with your clients or your team or whomever. Infusing consent into your everyday leadership is going to look like for example, using transparent expectations. Making sure there's transparency about what's expected of you what's expected of your client.
What's expected. Vice versa. Nonconsensual or the flip of this is withholding information, not being clear, not being, being really vague or. Holding that back to assert authority or hierarchy. When we look at consensual practices or consensual communications, we want to make sure our language is accessible, that we're using human centered language, rather than limiting language or using a lot of jargon when we use that kind of language that doesn't center people's humanity. When we're using language that is really flooding or overwhelming, or like really high level. Whether we have that intention or not. It takes away or creates constriction, which doesn't allow for consent to exist. Other consensual communication practices, consensual relationship practices again is allowing adaptability and flexibility.
We see this a lot when people are creating marketing or business practices or things like that, where there's a lot of constriction or formulas or like very binary beliefs. Again, sometimes we don't have choice and we just have to be transparent and communicative about that. But sometimes it's just used because we're using very old nonconsensual marketing or sales tactics, and it can be very formulaic. And limit that ability to be flexible.
But again, we want to watch where we swing to extremes. We don't want to be too flexible because that can override our consent and choice. And become too much. Consensual practices are at a doable pace. So we want to look at the pace of our nervous systems and nonconsensual would look like flooding with information being forceful or creating pressure, assuming projecting. We want to create predictability. Cultures of consent, create predictability through consistency, repetition transparency, all of those things. When there is a lack of predictability or again, we're just creating some really constrictive spaces. That is where consent can be lost again, though sometimes life is going to life and there's going to be unpredictable things. That's okay. It's just, what do we do after that? What do, how do we communicate? How do we course correct? All of those things. We want to create invitations for people to know that they can consent. A lot of times we're so used to very authoritative kind of power over dynamics within certain settings you can think of.
Academia being an example, right? There's a teacher, there's a student. You have to follow the rules in school and all of those things. There's not a lot of room or space too opt for self-determination, which means I am determining what is best for myself. So when we're able to offer invitations rather than forcefulness or pressure, Then we're shifting into a space of creating a culture of consent. And obviously we want to be leading with empathy and compassion rather than shame or guilt are always going to disconnect us from connection. So I just like to offer some highlights of kind of compare and contrast here. So what is consent? Sound like in everyday life. I'm in a, I like providing just some examples.
I always tell people though, that I'm sharing these examples in my voice. I do not expect you to adapt or sound like me. Use your own voice. I'd love to hear from you. Email me or message me on LinkedIn or social media. I'd love for here for me. If some of your favorite consensual phrases or practices. Because it just helps build our toolbox of things we can say to promote cultures of consent. So here's a few things I say, take it or leave it adapted into your own voice. So sometimes it's going to be really explicit or express, and sometimes it's going to be more conversational. So here's what consent may sound like: do I have your permission to, Hey, are you okay if I. Insert here, anything here, these are some of the options say what the options are, which do you prefer? We can be very forthright and say, do I have your consent to. Here's what I thought we could cover today. Review what you're covering. How does this feel for you?
Would you feel comfortable expanding upon that? Would you like feedback on this or would you just like me to listen? That's one of my most favorites. Is there anything else you would like to share today? Is it okay if I sit here with you right now? Again,
I'm going to do another episode on. How we can create consensual relationship building and communications. Because that's another whole thing of like, How sometimes what we say can build connection and sometimes it can sever connection. But some of these simple phrases rather than jumping right in to fix judge or solve or assume or project. Can we pause and say, Hey. Thanks for sharing that with me or, oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Or, gosh, I don't know what to say right now.
Is it okay if I just sit with you or. Is there anything else? You would like to share with me? Is this something you would like my feedback on? Are you looking for advice? Are you just looking for someone to listen? These are really great practices. To get into and to adopt into your language because they are promoting. Consent their invitations to trust. They are trauma informed care and action.
So I just wonder. Remind you that again, consent is not just in the questions we ask. It's when we're thinking about creating a culture of consent, we're looking at every part of the culture of our leadership, the culture of our workspace, the culture of our profession, whatever that may be our business.
So it's not just our communications, but it's are we infusing consent into the structures and systems, the frameworks and methodologies that our sales and marketing. Our products, our offerings, our policies, our protocols, and our leadership in general. And we're looking at core things like communications, relationship, building, decision, making, critical thinking.
Self-awareness all of those elements. And so it's so important that we ask before we assume we encourage people to make informed decisions best for them. And we allow people to do that. And we honor that and we're using language and communications as a driving tool for consent. All right. Obviously love this conversation. I would love to be in further conversation with you about consent and excited to have an entire podcast where we have so much time and space to unpack this more. And talk about what this looks like in real life.
So please, I'd love to hear from you connect with me on LinkedIn. Send me a message. Or an Instagram or you can email me and let's have a conversation about consent and how you are practicing consent in everyday life. So for now, that is it. I look forward to being in conversation with you, but until then take good care.
